How to Talk to Your Partner About Shared Debt

Communicating openly and honestly with your partner about your money—even debt—is key to your financial and mental well-being. If you can talk with your partner about shared debt, you can both get on the same page and find debt solutions that work for you. And that, in turn, can lower your stress and strengthen your relationship. 

But how do you talk to your partner about shared debt? Few of us are taught these things, after all. It’s absolutely a skill you can learn—and your relationship can become stronger as a result. 

Why Is Shared Debt Hard to Talk About?

Debt is one of those things that’s never really just about the dollars and cents. There’s often a whole world of emotion wrapped into those four letters. 

If you feel embarrassed or ashamed for running up a credit card balance, for example (or mad at your partner for doing so), or you’re scared about what’ll happen if your debt gets too high, that’s usually hard to bring up. 

But that’s not necessarily your fault. Talking about money is often taboo in our society. None of us were born with the skills we all need to 1) manage our debt, and 2) talk about it with our partners. 

Let’s see if we can fix some of that. 

Brush Up on Good Communication Skills

Having productive conversations with others can be tricky enough, even when it’s not a high-stakes money conversation. So let’s recap some of the basics that therapists and counselors often recommend:

• Start small and often: Maybe you have a 10-point plan for managing your debt, but that can be scary to share with your partner all at once. Focus on smaller, more regular chats to reduce the overwhelm. 

• Focus on shared goals: The entire point of dealing with debt is to move on to more fun things, like buying a house together or saving for your kids’ education. This often gets lost, so try to find ways to remind yourself of your shared goals.

• Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements: This brings it back to how something makes you feel, rather than putting someone else on the defensive. Example: “I feel stressed out that we’re carrying so much debt,” vs. “You always spend too much with the credit card.”

• Take a breather if you need it: It’s normal to get overwhelmed or disagree. But chances are you won’t be productive unless you’re both fairly calm. So remember that you can take a break and agree to revisit it later.

How to Prepare to Talk to Your Partner About Debt

You wouldn’t buy a new house without your partner’s knowledge and input. It’s a big commitment, and there are too many steps you’ll need to get there. The same is true of talking to your partner about shared debt. There are lots of small decisions to be made, and your plan will likely be more effective if your partner is on board. 

Here are some tips to help you prepare:

• Get their buy-in first: Help your partner get in the right mindset before a debt conversation. Ask them something simple like, “Hey, I’ve been kinda stressed about this debt. Is it okay if we chat about it?” That opens the door and invites them into the talk.

• Get your numbers straight: It’s good to start with exactly how much debt you’re in, and what types of debt you have. That way, you can get a more honest assessment and consider what to do. 

• Consider your options: Take some time to learn about the different ways you can manage your debt. That can help lower your stress and give you a clear path forward. If you need it, financial therapy is also an option. 

Talking About Debt Is a Skill You Can Learn

Learning any new skill takes practice. You and your partner will both make mistakes, and that’s okay. Be persistent. Focus on your commitment to your partner (and vice versa) and your financial goals, and you can create a shared plan to repay your debt and make those goals a reality. 

After all, there’s more than one way of looking at your shared debt. On the one hand, you have a problem that needs fixing. On the other, you have a chance to learn and practice positive communication skills—ones that you can use in other parts of your relationship, so that you both grow and come out even stronger than before.